Living On the Edge of Reality — A Narcoleptic Episode

I had spent about an hour writing my thoughts and was finally beginning to fully awake. I had shared feelings and attested to my daily experiences of freedom - a freedom which seems unreal when I’m fully awake.

But there is a cruelness in my being - built-in and interwoven with all the positive things I am. I had seen a page-full of my thoughts on the screen of my ipad and I was pleased and looking forward to later deciphering their meaning.

My eyes closed again into their timelessness; and a second later as I go to amend the many words I have written - they are gone … Except for the first two words “Living on.”

Why was my life so full of this cruelty which often robbed me of my own experiences? I had been looking forward to reading what my sleepy head had secretly shared from its deepest within. I looked everywhere! There was no “undelete” key to press, no other pages saved, no other “untitled” entries … just that hollow feeling of losing, the helplessness, the choked-up tearlessness of wanting to cry over some fleeting feeling of hopeless stupidity.

Now, as I attempt to re-capture the loss, nothing feels the same as I reach for the impossible. And this feeling triggers a memory …

… that I often find myself in another realm where impossibilities have no reality. While never knowing how to get there, several times a day I visit – mostly at times unplanned and unexpected.

In this place, I have no perception of my physical-ness – no recognition of corporeal delineation, and I have unrestricted locomotion; it is strange - this freedom - because the places I find myself are all without having any memory of having had a desire or thought to be there. I’ve just returned - this very moment – from a place as vague as the formlessness of a cloud when you’re on an airplane. I bring back into myself the peaceful experience of meditative solitude. I am refreshed and hopeful now of the ability to function efficiently for an undetermined and incalculable spell. (About seven minutes was achieved, and so) – going to get up now from sitting on the sofa. It’s been about two hours of surfing the wakes of my unconsciousness. Time to make lunch!