I had spent about an hour writing my thoughts and was finally beginning to fully awake. I had shared feelings and attested to my daily experiences of freedom - a freedom which seems unreal when I’m fully awake.
But there is a cruelness in my being - built-in and interwoven with all the positive things I am. I had seen a page-full of my thoughts on the screen of my ipad and I was pleased and looking forward to later deciphering their meaning.
My eyes closed again into their timelessness; and a second later as I go to amend the many words I have written - they are gone … Except for the first two words “Living on.”
Why was my life so full of this cruelty which often robbed me of my own experiences? I had been looking forward to reading what my sleepy head had secretly shared from its deepest within. I looked everywhere! There was no “undelete” key to press, no other pages saved, no other “untitled” entries … just that hollow feeling of losing, the helplessness, the choked-up tearlessness of wanting to cry over some fleeting feeling of hopeless stupidity.
Now, as I attempt to re-capture the loss, nothing feels the same as I reach for the impossible. And this feeling triggers a memory …
… that I often find myself in another realm where impossibilities have no reality. While never knowing how to get there, several times a day I visit – mostly at times unplanned and unexpected.