Something Else? Part II

When I was 24, I had Bells Palsy. Bells Palsy is a virus in the brain. My face was frozen on the left side. The virus lasted three weeks. I wonder if anyone else has experienced Bells Palsy.

When I look back on my life, and most recently, the last eleven years of working in an office setting, I realize how "off the wall" I acted on more than one occasion. My narcolepsy symptoms worsened on and off throughout the years, like a seesaw, but the last year I worked was unbearable. I became extremely depressed (even though I continuously took antidepressant medication). I was paranoid. Stress=Sleep.

Everyone has an opinion as to why I am chronically exhausted. My neurologist does not think my fatigue is a symptom of narcolepsy. She thinks my inability to adjust to a sleep schedule and tolerate the amphetamines indicates either an opposition disorder or stupidity. I find it very, very difficult sustaining any kind of feeling of well-being or happiness. I'm told I need to exercise more, lose weight. Stop smoking. (Sometimes the only thing between me and a life of constant sleep is a cigarette).

I'm sick of the illness and I'm sick of myself. I have learned how to hide my true thoughts and feelings. Whenever I would get this general feeling of foreboding disaster, I would throw myself into my "work." No one seemed to mind that I worked obsessively through lunch and past quitting time with very little time to socialize or break throughout the day. ( A manic period?) Eventually, though, I would break down. And, in the end, none of my efforts really mattered. When I went out of work a year ago, I'm sure my bosses found it difficult for a while. It was probably a hassle to find someone else to do my work, but eventually, they figured it out. I'm glad that someone else is doing the work now. It's a great load off my mind.