I try to be brave and believe that things are going to be okay, and most of the time I feel optimistic about my life. I think that's how I made it this far. But sometimes I feel totally paralyzed with fear when I think about the future. I'm afraid my meds will stop working and I won't be able to live my life. I'm afraid I won't be able to work anymore. I love my job. I love getting up every morning and putting on my scrubs and going to the hospital. I'm afraid my friends and family will be hurt because I can't spend much time with them because I'm always so tired. I'm afraid I'll fall asleep while driving and crash my car and kill someone. I'm afraid that my boyfriend will stop loving me if I'm asleep all the time. I'm afraid that I'll make a mistake at work because I'm so tired and hurt a patient. I'm afraid I'll fall asleep while cooking and burn the house down. The biggest fear I have is that I'll go back to sleeping for 22 hours a day and not be able to do anything about it, and I won't have anyone around to help wake me up.. It's hard to get anything done in 2 hours a day. I wouldn't be able to go to work, or pay my bills, or even feed myself. At some point I could get evicted and then what, just sleep on the sidewalk until.. what? It's impossible to survive in the world when you sleep 22 hours every day. And the only thing keeping that from happening to me again is pills. What if something happens and I can't get my meds? I could literally die.
I can't think about those things though. It's a waste of time. I have to just be grateful that I am awake when I am, and that I'm able to do most of the things I need to do, for now.